Shit Tour Guides Say

Feels like I’m alone on top of this pyramid.

By this stage in time we are all pretty good at independent travel, getting to all the essential sites for the cheapest rate and sans tour.

But then it’s necessary evil time. Time to stump up and accept that you are going to be in a bus with 12 others racing it’s way to your chosen destination.

Then your tour guide says something like this: 

We’ll be making a couple of stops on our way to the attraction. 

Every tour guide ever.

So here is a short guide to what they really mean.

1. We’ll see an artisanal village where they still make things the traditional way.

Translation: We’re stopping at a shop. Not just any shop; one more expensive than any vendor at the actual attraction.

2. We’ll take a break for lunch at a restaurant.

Translation: We are going to my mate’s restaurant. It charges double the going rate and we aren’t sure why he’s struggling.

3. We’ll be back around 17:00

Translation: Maybe. I’d prefer to be back at 16:00 and if the driver drives like he normally does, maybe even earlier!

4. We’re an Eco-tour company

Translation: We’re more expensive than the others and don’t give you a free bottle of water. And we’re still visiting the artisanal village.

5. Please fill in our tour feedback form.

Translation: Including your name so that I can evil you should you write anything bad. In fact, anything under four stars and this bad boy will be hitting the recycling bin!

Day tours: a means to an end! Have you got any sayings you’ve come across?


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